Trying to Find a New Routine

I got back from Boston late Sunday afternoon. To make that trip so quickly really wore me out physically, and to leave my daughter there wore me out emotionally. Everything at home just reminds me that she is not here, and not going to be here.

I did talk to her for about a half hour in between my 2 classes last night, and that helped some. Since her classes don't start for another week and a half, she doesn't have much to do right now, and of course, knows no one. She is like me in that she finds it hard to talk to people she doesn't know, and since she has a single room without a roommate, she is lonely. That makes it worse for me because I want to help and can't.

I did suggest that she walk over to the bookstore, buy a few books, and use her free time to read and enjoy the the peace, because once her semester starts, she won't have that luxury. She actually took my advice! (All mothers know how much they love it when their child does that!) But it seemed to put her in a less lonely mood too. She is not really wanting to meet people until she gets into her final room (this Thursday), because she doesn't see the point in meeting people she probably won't ever see again. I can't really blame her because I'm the same way. It is hard for me to meet and talk to people, especially if I don't see a point to it. (I'm not like my mother who will chat to any and every random stranger she comes across!)

It was all I could do to not sit there and cry during Property yesterday. Thank goodness I called her before Con Law (that class alone is enough to make me cry). I felt a lot better after talking with her. I just miss her so much. And those words don't even seem to really describe how I really feel.

Needless to say, I'm just so distracted and unfocused right now. I know I've got to pull myself together because I'm so behind on my reading. Thankfully we have Monday off, so I hope by then to be all caught up. In the meantime, I'm just having to learn to live without my daughter at home. I don't like it, but I don't have a choice. I feel so pathetic....

In the Last of My Second Year Classes

for the first week of classes. I do consider myself a "numbers person", but I really don't have much interest in Taxation. Plus, I will admit to being more than a little distracted. As soon as I get home from this class, I am driving my kids up to Oakland, where we will be flying out of in the morning. By the time we land in Boston tomorrow, it will be evening. All day Saturday, we're going to be getting my daughter moved into her dorm room. After dinner, I will have to leave her in her room, and go back to our hotel without her because we're leaving for the airport at 5:45am on Sunday.

It has been a very hard week. Not really because of the classes. The reading has been hard to keep up with, but if I had been in a regular routine, I would have had it all done. But, with my daughter home, packing and getting ready to leave, things were definitely not normal. Anytime she wanted to talk to do anything with me, I set aside whatever I was reading. Needless to say, I am woefully behind because of this. Not that I regret it, but I have much to do next week to catch back up.

I woke up this morning and literally felt sick to my stomach. It's like my body knew it was the day I was taking my daughter away. I'm so torn. On one hand, I'm so incredibly proud of her, (The latest reports say that MIT is THE hardest school in the country to get into.) and so excited for her. Yet, it is hard to face the fact that my "job" raising her is basically done, and mostly, that she won't be living at home with me anymore. She is probably the person I talk to most in this world. I'm going to miss her SO much. I can't even describe it.

At this point, I've just got to focus on getting through this weekend, starting with making it up to Oakland safely tonight (arriving probably around 1am). Then I need to find a way to leave my daughter in Boston and come home without being a complete basket case. I'm sure this all makes me sound like I've completely lost it already, but I've spent the last 18 years of my life being a stay at home mom. Not because I had no other options, but because that is what I wanted to do since I was little. And my kids have been my life. And I adore and love them so much.

So, I'm sitting here in Taxation, but I feel like crying. I'm already missing my daughter. I honestly don't know how I'm going to leave her at MIT. It's going to be a long 4 months until Christmas. : (

Officially a 2L

I'm sitting in the second class of my second year of law school, though I think was "official" last week when I noticed at registration that my mailbox at school was now moved and in the second year area.

My early observations: I really like my Property professor. Even though she is the assistant dean of the school, I am not intimidated by her like I was last year by the dean, my Torts professor. (Not that she was scary or really did anything to cause it. I just was.) Property will be a good class and I'm looking forward to it.

I don't see me liking Con Law, though I am glad I have the professor I do. I just don't like political discussions, and this class will have to have them. At least my professor is pretty laid back, so another non-threatening professor --- thank goodness.

I'm going to have a hard time in the 3 night classes I have. I'm already tired as I sit here, and find it very hard to pay attention and stay focused. Of course, the subject matter here may also be the cause of that.

Anyway, I'm just glad I'm no longer a "wart" (my property professor's term of endearment for all first years). I actually feel like a real law student now.

Back In It

Ugh. Yes, I have now registered and start classes on Monday. I really enjoyed this month off, spending time with my kids and just being a normal person for awhile. I have been trying to get all my reading and briefing done for the first week. I have about 100 more pages to do. It seems to me that most classes are having 100 pages a week. First year, it was more like 40 pages a week. First year I had 3 substantive law classes, so it was about 120 pages of reading a week. Now it is about 500 pages a week. Ugh again.

My prediction based on my reading so far is that I'm going to like Property and Crim. Law, hate Con. Law and Tax, and undecideded about Bus. Org. (don't mind the reading but not sure about the professor).

This first week is going to be crazy. Of course, my schedule for the whole year will be too, for that matter. I have class Monday afternoon AND evening, Tuesday evening, and Thursday afternoon AND evening, and I work Tuesday and Thursday mornings in Small Claims. I know I will come to hate Thursdays. Anyway, this Thursday, I am going to drive up to Oakland AFTER my evening class because we are flying my daughter to Boston on Friday morning to start school at MIT. We are then coming home on Sunday, so it is going to be a super fast trip. I just couldn't send her off on her own.

I did find out that I can do all 4 units of my clinical units at the Small Claims Advisory. Even though it is not recommended, I'm considering doing it, because if I do, I will have all those units done before finals in May. Then, if I get an internship somewhere, I can just do it and not worry about hours or work product to turn in. Now, I'm leaning that direction. We'll see how things go once I actually start this schedule.

I was on the panel of second year students who addressed the first year class the other night during their orientation. I'm not sure we really put the fright into them that they needed to get them through the first year. There were things I wanted to say that weren't items on the specified agenda. Oh well. I did get thanked afterward by another mom, and I told her to ask me anytime for help or if she had questions, so I was glad about that.

I feel like my life is about to change forever, and it is. I can't believe my daughter is really about to leave. I know she will never again live here, in this town. It's so hard to realize that. It's not just that I will miss her as my daughter. I genuinely like her, as a person, for who she is. If we were the same age, she is the type of person I would want as a friend. I'm glad that I have raised her in a way that she is independent enough to feel confident to go all the way across the country to go to school, yet selfishly, it is hard to let her go. And how can I not wonder if I have really done a good job as a mother? It is unsettling, because when I was growing up, being a mother was my sole goal in life.

I'm thankful for the "distraction" that law school and all its busyness will provide me this year. Maybe it will help me survive my daughter's leaving.

Do I Have to Go Home?

I lying in bed, here in Cambria. It has been a nice escape from reality....the reality of Fresno weather (only in the 60s and 70s here), the reality of all the reading I have to do (only read 10 pages the whole time!), and the reality that in 2 weeks, I will have left my daughter in Cambridge.

I guess I have to return to real life sometime. And 95 isn't as bad as 113. And I do have a lot of time this week to do my reading. But thinking about my daughter being so far away is really more than I want to do. Sure, I want this for her. MIT was her top choice, and this year had the lowest admit rate ever. I am thrilled for her that she was accepted. It's just hard. Hard knowing that I'm not going to see her everyday, have her wander in to talk to me and tell me the latest thing that frustrates her. Hard knowing that she won't be home until Christmas, and even then she will probably only be home twice a year for the next 4 years. Hard knowing that she really isn't going to need me as much anymore. Yes, as a parent, you want to raise an intelligent child that is capable of making their way in the world. But along the way, you really fall in love with them so much that it's hard to let them go.

I'm really thankful to be starting my second year of law school this month. Honestly, if I had been starting this year, I don't think I would have made it. I remember how hard the first two months were for me. Emotionally, I was up and down, not sure if I should continue because I didn't know if I could handle that. I could never have combined that with my daughter leaving and made it. But now, at least school and the work can be a distraction for me. Hopefully it will keep me so busy that I won't have time to think about how much I am missing her.

Well, I guess it's time to get moving and get back to reality.

More Assignments Online

When I leave town in the morning, I have 3 classes of assignments I will be taking with me. Not that I promise to get them all done, but I'm going to at least start. I'm just enjoying feeling like a normal person (ie., NOT a law student) and not really looking forward to all the work so soon.

My daughter and I went up to the bay area over the weekend to attend the MIT Summer Send Off. It was very informative and I'm glad we made the effort to go. It definitely answered many questions that both of us had. My daughter was also happy to hear of another Physics major who is doing an internship at CERN, since she would like to do the same. Sounds like if she expresses an interest, she could do it.

Tomorrow we are off to Cambria through the weekend. A last little getaway before having to take my daughter back to Boston. Not much else going on. Not even sure if I'll have an internet connection while I'm gone. So this concludes another lame post for now....

Should I post this month?

Yeah, I guess I should. Just out of the whole school routine (and loving it) and not really having much to post here. I did see that a few of the first assignments have been posted now. I don't have all my books yet. I'm waiting for 2 more from Barnes and Noble and 3 more to come into the local store (which probably won't happen until after school starts, since they aren't being shipping until Aug. 11). I'm going over to Cambria next week for 5 days, so I think perhaps I'll bring whatever assignment and book combinations I have by that time and see how much I can get started on.

It seems weird to have a summer and not go on a real vacation. Last summer we went to Cabo, the summer before to Europe. Of course, we seem to do a lot of other little traveling in between too. (During last school year, we made it to Maui, SF, Vegas, Boston, and LA.) Because of my shifts at Small Claims, and my daughter working every morning, we weren't really able to get away, other than some short trips. Two weeks ago, we went to Pacific Grove. Last weekend I took the kids to LA. This weekend I'm taking my daughter to the SF bay area for an MIT northern CA get together. Next week we're going to Cambria. And then 3 weeks from today we leave for Boston, to take my daughter to school. That will be it for awhile.

I hate to think about my daughter leaving. It seems like it has gone so quickly. And not just since she found out MIT accepted her. I mean, wasn't she just the little toddler I liked to watch Bambi over and over? Didn't she just fall off her bike and scrape her whole knee up? How could she have possibly grown up so fast and now be leaving??? Unbelievable.

Anyway, I don't feel like sitting at the computer any more, so that is it for now. Have a great weekend all!