Massive Insecurities Boiling Just Below the Surface

I admit it, the CivPro midterm shook my confidence. I KNEW I didn't feel good about it, but actually seeing a test where I felt I knew so little about what to do has been a very unsettling experience. For the first time since 2 months into law school, I even wondered if I belonged here. I thought I had settled this in my mind, but I guess not.

I didn't post yesterday, because I was still going through a lot of that in my mind. I do feel somewhat better today. It's hard though, because while this schooling will supposedly help me to help others in the future, it isn't doing that now. In many ways, it seems selfish to me, because it consumes my time. I had to drop my shut in visitation ministry (and I miss my ladies SO much!), I'm not home when my kids get home from school (and that hits me hard because my daughter will only be here a few more months), and I can't really spend enough time with my family on weekends and evenings because of my studying, paper writing, reading, etc. I can't help but ask myself if it is worth it. I want to say yes, but honestly, in many ways, I'm not sure it is.

It's not like I'm going to quit. I'm not that kind of person. But writing what was not a passing answer on that exam just brought out all those horrible insecurities.....maybe I'm not good enough....maybe I don't belong.....maybe I'm not doing the right thing....maybe I should spend my time helping the people who were already part of my life.

I guess I tend to mask that most of the time, because positive feedback allows me to. But I can't help thinking of one of my mom's favorite sayings, "Pride comes before the fall." I got a 99 on a paper and felt really pumped. While I certainly didn't feel invincible, I should not have held on to any pride about it, because now I feel the "fall" of failing an exam.

Now I'm feeling like my confidence was but an illusion. (It doesn't help that I didn't get a email reply from my Legal Analysis professor, so I'm struggling with the paper due tomorrow.) I suppose I should look at 4 passing (Dec.) midterms, and 6 Legal Analysis papers that ranged from 80-99 and say that I AM doing well, and that I DO belong here, and I should just not let one poor score freak me out so much. I'm not perfect. Ok, there I admitted it. Maybe now I can get past it.