Domestic Violence

Last week, one of the things I did to fill a few hours was trek down to the Fresno County law library to look up "Myers on Evidence in Child, Domestic and Elder Abuse Cases", by John E.B. Myers. Realizing that as a prosecutor, I will surely face having to question witnesses who have been victims of abuse, I thought this book might prove to be a valuable resource. While professionally I think I will end up referring to it in the future, personally it hit home. I thought I'd share a few of my observations, for anyone else who may be in a similar situation.

Domestic violence is not just an act that give you bruises and broken bones, but is "any use of physical or sexual force, actual or threatened, in an intimate relationship." (Children Exposed to Violence: A Handbook for Police Trainers to Increase Understanding and Improve Community Response, by Linda L. Baker, Peter G. Jaffe, Steven J. Berkowitz, & Miriam Berkman, italics added.) Even now, that is hard for me to swallow, because I don't like thinking of myself as a "victim" or someone who took years of abuse, but domestic violence did characterize the marriage I left.

I found these quotes from the Myers' book very interesting:

"The predominant behavior of batterers is control, and batterers do not generally apologize for their controlling behavior. Indeed, batterers feel it is their right to control their partner and their children."

"The overarching behavior characteristic of the batterer is the imposition of control over his partner. The batterer's control is carried out through a mixture of criticism, verbal abuse, economic control, isolation, cruelty, and an array of other tactics." (Quoted from The Batterer as Parent: Addressing the Impact of Domestic Violence on Family Dynamics by Bancroft and Silverman, emphasis added.)

"Batterers tend to view themselves as superior, and to be selfish, self-centered, manipulative, and possessive. "

I can tell you when I read those quotes, there was no other conclusion to come to except that my ex-husband is a batterer. All of the above applied to our time together and his behavior. Yet, even as I say that, it is hard for me to admit. So why am I even posting about this? Because I am an intelligent and strong woman who got involved with the wrong man. Maybe I didn't see the signs, but maybe I would have if I had been warned.

Thirty three percent of female homicide victims are murdered by their spouse or boyfriend, and 20% of American women are assaulted by an intimate partner at some point in their life. That is why I think this is so important. Maybe I can open the eyes of one woman to recognizing the behavior of the man she is involved with, or thinking about getting involved with, before it is too late.

For those of you wanting help, please check out the Marjaree Mason Center locally or Womens Law.

Tax Exam

I can't believe I forgot to post about this the other day. In my tax class, there is one guy that the professor likes to tease, and whom tries to dish it back to him. Anyway, on the final on the second question, the man in the question had the last name of ZONUM, and he had created a new legal filing system using pictures instead of words. He called this system YNOT. This was funny enough, because the professor had previously teased this student about using such a pictorial system. Anyway, if you were clever enough to read backward in the exam, you would see the student's name. lol Nice to have a little laugh in the middle of an exam sometime.

Ok, so I was the bigger person today. Even though my ex-husband deserves nothing, and certainly not spending time with our daughter when he refuses to help support her (financially or otherwise), I didn't want my children to be apart from each other on Christmas, so I worked out a schedule with him so we each have them part of the time, and they will only be apart on Christmas morning for a few hours. (Normally we do the every other year thing, but this year even though it is his year for my son, my daughter is now 18 and since I'm the only one supporting her, she will be with me. I didn't want it to be so awkward for them, so I set aside my personal issues with him and worked it out for them.) It's not what I would ideally do if I could control everything, but I can't, and so this is the best solution for the world I live in. Plus, at least I can see both kids on both Christmas Eve and Day and not have to dread what is going to happen.

Ex-Husbands Still Suck!

Yes, it is still true. I can't believe I was once young and naive enough to believe anything this man told me.

It's bad enough that he won't contribute a single cent to his daughter's $200K education at MIT. But now, he expects to see her when I pay to fly her home for Thanksgiving! Uh, sorry, YOUR time was last month when you went to visit her. I don't fricking care if you want to see her now. Heck, I wanted to see her last month, and I didn't get to. You don't always get what you want.

Sad thing is my daughter has told me repeatedly that her dad doesn't really know her. She hasn't wanted to go over to his house for a long time, but she kept going until she left for school because she didn't have the heart to tell him. This man is the one who despite the fact that my daughter got into MIT (her dream school), and despite the fact that he had no intention of helping at all, said she should go to UCLA instead. He honestly has no clue about her and her goals.

I guess he still thinks saying the right things is enough. I have news for him. It is doing the things that matter......like actually supporting your children by your actions!